Friendship is powerful. During adolescence, it becomes central to almost everything, especially trials. One of the privileges of discipling young people is being able to walk through trials with them and point them to Jesus when they need healthy support. From our smallest needs to our most epic feelings of desperation, we all long for someone who loves us, is reliable, is capable, and is willing to humble themselves enough to help, even if it requires sacrifice. The Gospel of John shows 4 reasons why we should turn to Jesus in times of trouble that you can use to point young people to Christ. He is the best friend and ultimate support in times of need.
Category Archives: Conflict resolution
5 WAYS TO STRENGTHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR TEEN
Good relationships are vital to health. Family relationships, especially, are fundamental in equipping children to live a happy and successful life. Achieving strong family relationships take care, work, and effort. It is no surprise to anyone that the teen years bring challenges that can threaten good, positive relationships between parents and their children. There is hope, however, of combating these challenges and maintaining or developing strong, healthy relationships with your teens.
ParentFurther is an online resource that has tools to help families strengthen relationships through shared activities. They have identified 5 research-backed relationship strategies to help us learn and grow with each other.
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EXPRESS CARE
We all need to know that we are cared about. Teens especially need to feel that their parents care about them. Care is shown when we listen, when we are warm to each other, when we invest in each other, when show interest, and when we are dependable. Research shows that when children and youth have warm caring relationships, they do better in school, have less risky-behavior, work harder, and have a hopeful sense of purpose.
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CHALLENGE GROWTH
Challenging occurs is many forms in the parent-child relationship. Part of a parent’s role is to challenge their child to grow, learn, and improve. Inspire your teen to see future possibilities for themselves. Give expectations that are clear and communicate that you want your child to live up to their potential. Stretch your child by encouraging them to push beyond their abilities Provide limitations that hold your child accountable to rules and expectations
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PROVIDE SUPPORT
Support also come is many ways, but there can never be too much of it! Supporting your teen in practical and noticeable ways occurs through encouragement, guidance, modeling, and advocating. As relationships are two-way, so is support. It is good for parents to have support from other adults as a model for your teens.
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SHARE POWER
“Sharing power” refers to the actions used to influence, learn from, and work with each other. How do you share power then? In our relationships it looks like sharing respect, negotiating (giving each other a voice in making decisions that affect them), responding to each other, and collaborating to accomplishing goals and solve problems.
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EXPAND POSSIBILITIES
Trying new things, meeting new people, going to new places, and thinking about new ideas are all ways in which you can expand possibilities for yourself and for your teen. Help your teen explore by exposing them to new people, places, and things. Connect them to others that can help them grow. Navigate through problems that could prevent them from expanding their possibilities with them.
Visit parentfurther.com for more information about these strategies and to read about the research backing them. You will also find quizzes and discussion questions to ask your teens.
I highly recommend you visit their website and take their free inventory to see growth areas in your own parenting skills with teenagers.
A Conflict Resolution Tool You’ll Want to Memorize
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” – Thomas Paine
If you fit into any of these categories below, this post will give you a tool you can use all of the time. Do you want to…
- Build Deeper Relationships with Teenagers and Help them with Conflict Resolution with their Friends?
- Lead Small Groups Effectively
- Train Volunteer Youth Leaders How to Deal with Conflict
- Be a Christ-Centered Parent to Teenagers and College Students
This tool is for you…
PERSONAL STORY
Have you ever had what you thought was a really great idea that in the end went horribly wrong?
One winter a few years ago we got a storm that dropped about 3 feet of snow in our neighborhood. And since we didn’t have a snow plowing service, I thought it would be a “great idea” to take my Toyota Landcruiser out, put on the chains and just drive up and down the street a bunch of times to make some tracks for our neighbors to be about to get out of the neighborhood. I got my kids in the car, we started driving like a tank through huge drifts of snow, having lots of fun, and it seemed to be working.
Well, after the snow tracks got packed down… all of a sudden, we hear this huge “screech, ka bloom…” and the front end of my Landcruiser lost its steering. I thought… oh, the snow must be too deep lets just rev the engine more… well we drove right up on the sidewalk and I couldn’t steer the front end… we got out and discovered that unbeknownst to me, my chains had started to digging through the snow and was grabbing onto the asphalt below the chain had broken, wrapped around the steering arm, and snapped it… so the front wheels were turned completely sideways… (as the tow truck lifted my Landcruiser up to drag it way I thought, “Hmmm… I sure did think that was a great idea… but it was a really bad one…”
Joshua 22 is a profound story that shows how one group of Israelites thought they had a Great idea, but actually it turned out to be a really bad idea, and hurt other folks badly… maybe that sounds familiar in your life?
CONFLICT + RESOLUTION = INTIMACY
Conflict resolution is not just a skill for counselors. If you want good relationships in a sinful world, you will have to learn how to resolve conflict.
Early on in my ministry experience I learned a formula that continues to ring true in my life: CONFLICT + RESOLUTION = INTIMACY. When you step toward the person you are in conflict with, and humbly seek resolution, the natural result almost always is that we become closer to that person. There is no silver bullet on how to do this, but one technique that I learned from studying Joshua 22 has given me a tool to resolve conflict.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION IS LIKE “CHESS”
To get the most of the technique I am about to share you really have to read Joshua 22. Maybe read it now or at least read it after you finish reading this post. Like “chess,” to win the game you have to be aware of the whole situation, you have to think ahead and anticipate obstacles. Similarly, what we learn from Joshua 22 is that the context behind this event is an epic conflict that almost began a civil war among Israel. Joshua 22 gives us a formula for conflict resolution that lawyers and professional peace-makers still use today.
After studying this passage and how this conflict was resolved I thought of an Acronym, CHESS to help remember the main steps for conflict resolution. I like acronyms because in the heat of the moment it is easy to remember them and then you can start walking through the situation with more objectivity and less emotion.
Here is the easy memory tool called, “CHESS” that you can use to diffuse and resolve conflicts successfully:
C: CHARACTERS
First identify all of the characters or people involved in the conflict? Joshua makes a point to list out all of the tribes and some of the background of jealousy and animosity between these tribes. Sometimes we jump over thinking about the bigger context of our relationships because we are so distracted by our hurt. It is important to understand each person involved in the conflict because there may be a few people you need to have a conversation with, not just one. Ask: Who are all of the people involved in this conflict?
H: HISTORICAL RELATIONSHIPS
What is the history of the relationships in this conflict? Step back and think about if there is a history of this type of conflict with this person. Maybe there is a pattern that needs to be pointed out. By thinking of the history of your relationship with this person will do two things:
- First it cause you to “take the log out of your own eye before you try to take the speck out of the other person’s eye.”
Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. (Matthew 7:3-5)
- Second, it will give you more perspective in how to approach this person with grace and patience because you will not come across as an irrational person with a selfish agenda to be right.
E: EVENTS
What is the flow of the Events that led up to the conflict? Are there any other mini-conflicts or offenses that led to this current blow up? If you take the time to become aware of the events leading up to this conflict, other people will respect you when you initiate a conversation. They can tell that you care because you have spent time thinking about the whole situation, not just your own hurt.
S: SIDES
There are always two side’s of the story. If you want to be a peacemaker and relationship builder you need to realize there is always two sides to a story. Get the other person’s story and actively listen to them. Repeat back to them, “So what I’m hearing you say is… Is that right?” Then they have a chance to correct you if you heard them wrong, or to affirm that you heard them correctly.
S: STATE THE PROBLEM CLEARLY
Joshua clearly states the problem and offers resources to resolve the problem. He identifies the relevant issues, that made the problem blow up. Then Joshua explained what resources the people had to deal with the problem to resolve the conflict (they had the Law of Moses, and the authority of the priests to look into the matter). [1]
If you’d like to listen to my full 40 minute talk explaining Joshua 22 you can click the link below. Thanks!
Click here to LISTEN TO MY TALK ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION FROM JOSHUA 22
Please share this post with a friend who might benefit from it!
[1] The case-writing principles developed in this post were inspired by the following case-study tool for missiology: 7 Steps to Making a Case Study into a Learning Tool
Good Relationships (in a Sinful World) Require Conflict Resolution Skills – Joshua 22
“The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.” – Thomas Paine
Have you have had what you thought was a really great idea that in the end went horribly wrong? I share a story of one of my personal examples in the link below to my recent sermon on conflict resolution… Joshua 22 is a profound story that shows how three tribes of Israel had what they thought was a “Great Idea” but because of lack of communication, a colossal conflict was started amongst the other 9 the tribes of Israel.
Conflict resolution is not just a skill for counselors. If we want good relationships in a sinful world, we all have to learn how to resolve conflict. I recently taught on conflict resolution and thought I’d pass the link for you to listen along.
What You Will Learn about Conflict Resolution Skills By Listening to this Sermon:
- The incredible context behind an epic conflict that almost began a civil war among Israel (Joshua 22)
- Joshua 22 gives us a formula for conflict resolution that lawyers and professional peace-makers still use today.
- An easy memory tool called, “CHESS” that you can use to diffuse and resolve conflicts successfully
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- C: Who are the characters/people involved in the conflict?
- H: Historical relationships (what is the history behind the relationships in the conflict?
- E: What is the flow of the Events to see where the problem arose?
- S: Sides (There are always two side’s of the story … if you want to be a peacemaker and relationship builder you need to realize there is always two sides to a story).
- S: State the problem clearly. Joshua clearly states the problem and resources to resolve the problem. He the relevant issues, what made the problem blow up, etc. Then Joshua explained what resources the people had to deal with the problem to resolve the conflict (they had the Law of Moses, and the authority of the priests to look into the matter). [1]
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- How, “Conflict + Resolution = Intimacy”
- How the Church today can re-learn conflict resolution skills to advance the Gospel more effectively
Click here to LISTEN TO MY TALK ON CONFLICT RESOLUTION FROM JOSHUA 22
You may also enjoy another recent sermon from “Joshua 7: Achan’s Sin | the Human Story”
Please pass this post along to a friend who might benefit from it. Thanks!
[1] The case-writing principles developed in this post were inspired by the following case-study tool for missiology: 7 Steps to Making a Case Study into a Learning Tool